| 08 July 2009
Matt Foley: Now let's get started by giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about. First off, I am thirty-five years old; I am thrice divorced; and I live, in a van, down by the river!
Dany Heatley: I'm Dany, I'm a former 50-goal scorer in the NHL.
Matt Foley: Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da!
Dany: I just don't know what to do. My reputation's taken a beating because I've asked for a trade but my numbers should speak for themselves. I'm a former 50-goal scorer and Team Canada icon! Why shouldn't teams be lining up for my services? Why wouldn't anyone want me for my 50 goals?
Matt Foley: I don't know? Well, that and your one-dimensional play will get you a nice hot cup OF JACK-SQUAT! You are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around pull it down and put it in my pocket!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, you've had it pretty good and that you're not gonna amount to JACK SQUAT!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!
Matt Foley: Now you are probably asking yourself 'Hey Matt, how can we get back on the right track!?' So let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? I'm feeling dangerous, so I'll let you drive! I want to make Dany happy! Here we go, foot on the gas! All right, we're on the road! Look over to the right. It's your first team, the Atlanta Thrashers! High tail it out of there because you're seeing Ilya Kovalchuk, Marc Savard, the Ghost of Dan Snyder and some Puck Bunny who thinks you owe her three years' child support! Step on it! All right, let's pull into Seven-Eleven and buy a microwave burrito for your unconditioned ass! Okay, we're back on the road, look there's ScotiaBank Place! Let's sneak in, take your 2009 $4M bonus, cash it, and head out lookin' for Asian hookers! Cause if there's one thing Dany likes, it's Hong Kong fuey, ha-ha! Ohhhh yeah!
Matt Foley: Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he publicly threw out a trade request. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown off of Team Canada, and then he moved into a VAN down by the RIVER!
Dany Heatley: Matt, I just want to go elsewhere and have some fun.
Matt Foley: Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da!
Dany Heatley: But...
Matt Foley: La-dee-FRICKIN-da!
Matt Foley: Let me tell you a story Dany...
'Twas the night before Cup Finals, and all through the van
One-dimensional Dany fell asleep on the can.
The Senators were playing for the Cup two time zones away
But Dany was happy with no rings in L.A..
Dany woke up and realized, with a chill and a quiver,
That he was livin' in a van down by the river!"
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