| 28 January 2009
Having been out of the news for about a week, it's no surprise that last night's loss prompted another epic Eugene Melnyk press conference. With such an absurd amount of Eugene material to sift through, I thought I'd make things easier on myself by just running today's comments through the EMBST v 1.5.
"This has not been the season we had all hoped to have. We had great high expectations but it's not over 'til it's over."
Damn, we're shittier than anyone could have imagined. Fuck, I better say something that can keep asses in the seats for the rest of the season. If this doesn't work, I'm going to have to hold another fan fest for season ticket holders. Shit, I wonder if the Eagles are even available? Fuck my hat if I have to have one featuring Carrie Underwood!
"I still continue to believe in our players, our organization and our staff. You can mark my words - things are going to get better."
I realize this season is lost, so I should probably draw attention to the promise of a better day. Hopefully this will make people forget that this has been yet another disappointing year for sports in the Nation's Capital. Hey, at least I get a few of these assholes off the payroll come deadline day.
"As far as I'm concerned right now we are at a crossroads. This is it. We have to win 26-27 games. It's got to be done and if it's not done, well, we will have to deal with it."
When we get mathematically eliminated, peace out. I'll be at Bert's Bar, slamming home some margaritas but not the kind with umbrellas in them. Umbrellas are for pussies who don't want to get wet and no one likes a dry pussy. Have no fear though, I'll be back. Back in time to have the MLS announce that they've given me an expansion franchise. And when that's over, I'm hoping the Sens will have been mathematically eliminated by then so that I can hold another press conference.
"I have hope in this team and optimism in this team and I know what we can do. I know we have the talent, it's just putting it all together. We have seven points in the last five games - that's a start."
I better preach the hell out the talent that's here right now, knowing that I probably won't be able to sign any big names in the offseason. Frankly, I'm sick of preaching this rah-rah garbage. When we're mathematically eliminated, mark my words, I'm going to lose my shit.
"We know what we have to do - we've got to win 26-27 games with 37 games (remaining) - I think that's what the number is, 37 games left. Can it be done? Yes, absolutely. If we get on a roll it can be done."
Give me an L! Give me an A! Give me a Y! Give me an O! Give me two F's! And give me an S! Layoffs! Layoffs! Go Sens!
"If we can get the momentum, if we can get players working hard and everything clicking our way it can happen. I still am very optimistic it can be done."
God damnit, why am I still up here? We have such a slim chance at the playoffs that I should really be focusing on the MLS bid. The momentum from calling up Elliott is gone and so are our chances. We're finished and there won't be any playoff revenue! Fuck! With any luck, there'll be a SARS outbreak so at least people buy my pharmaceutical products.
"The excuses are over. We are down to the stretch run. This is the time it's either going to happen or it's not."
Ah fuck, this was part of my speech to the MLS hierarchy. Fuck! Hold on a second, I lost my place. Shit, I can't find it, I better ad lib.
"Anybody that says we should blow up this organization should get their own bomb and go blow themselves up. This is not an organization that is completely crippled. It needs fine tuning, it needs some tweaking, it needs a player here, a player there, a few good bounces and that's it. But we are nowhere near that type of environment."
I endorse euthanasia for anyone who's witnessed our on-ice product. There, that should do it. Fuck, why are people looking at me like that? Christ?! I know Garrioch's a perpetual open mouth breather, but even his mouth is slightly more agape than usual. Maybe I shouldn't have had that half bottle of scotch before the press conference? Good thing I have my MLS bid to smooth this over. MLS in 2012!
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